


Runaways

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Series: Along Came Baby [9]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Baby Shara You Gotta Make Your Papá Feel Better, Backstory, But The Kind That Actually Happens, Domestic!AU, F/M, God Is There Angst, M/M, Poe Did Not Deserve This, Post Mpreg, Trans!Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:51:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8041447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: Whoever said that time heals all wounds did not know what they were talking about.





	Runaways

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beautifullights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullights/gifts).



Poe's eyes jolted open and he gasped, sweat tacky on his forehead and tears drying on his cheeks. He pried his face off of his pillow and rubbed his eyes, looking out the window with a shiver. It was pouring outside, thunder, lightning, the whole package. He took a shuddering breath and curled up in a little ball on the mattress, counting to ten, taking deep breaths between the numbers. 

"It was a dream." he mumbled, trying to convince himself. "Just a dream..." When his heart slowed down Poe rolled over and stiffened, realising that he was by himself. Finn was at work, Poe knew that, but that didn't help the dull ache in his chest or the nagging thought in the back of his head, the thought that just maybe he'd dreamt the whole thing up. Finn, Shara, the engagement ring on his hand, all of it might just disappear if he wasn't careful. It was a ridiculous idea, but you couldn't exactly be logical at one in the morning.

There was a lull in the storm, but it was replaced pretty quickly with the plaintive sound of the baby crying. Well, that was a relief. Poe sighed and rolled out of bed, padding down the hallway and turning on every light he passed on his way to Shara's bedroom. 

"It's alright, Shara. Papá's got you..." Poe soothed as he scooped her out of the crib. Shara hiccuped and clung to him, her wailing getting softer as Poe hummed a lullaby in her ear. Then thunder boomed overhead and they both jumped, Shara bursting into another crying fit. "Okay, time to relocate." 

Poe sang another lullaby as he carried Shara down the hall, restarting the process of calming her down. He usually wound up in the kitchen during storms, sitting on the floor with Finn and a box of Girl Scout cookies. There weren't any windows in there, so the thunder and lightning was muffled to the point where you could call it ambiance, if you were feeling generous.

 Poe whistled while he fed Shara, waiting for the coffee to brew and watching the light flicker overhead. Jesus, it was really pouring out there. "Hope your Dad isn't working in this." Poe sighed, bouncing Shara in his arms. "He'll catch a cold, then you'll catch a cold, then I'll catch a cold. It's gonna be a fucking shitshow."

What? Poe could swear if he wanted. Finn wasn't there to stop him. "Don't tell your Dad I said that." Poe added, glancing down at Shara when she pulled off. She just squealed and reached towards Poe's face, giggling as she poked at his stubble. Poe caught her hand but she just kept squirming, unusually hyper for one-thirty in the morning. 

"You're not gonna fall asleep again, are you?" Poe realised. Shara looked up at him, a goofy smile on her face. "Guess I shouldn't've let you try that Jello earlier, huh? So there really is such a thing as too much sugar..." Resigned, he grabbed his coffee and sat back down on the ground, trying to keep it away from Shara. 

"This ain't for you, kiddo." he laughed, holding the mug out at arms length. When she wouldn't let up on the coffee Poe distracted her with something shiny (his spoon) and plopped her on the ground a safe distance away, watching her scoot across the floor and grab at the toys lying around. She was getting really grabby, reaching for the mobile above her cradle, trying to use the couch to pull herself to her feet. Poe felt awful for laughing whenever she tripped and flopped down onto her butt. What could he say? It was funny. 

"Hey, Shara, c'mere." he cooed. When Poe said her name Shara smiled and rolled towards him, squealing in delight and flopping against his thigh when she managed to find her way into his lap. Then lightning flashed outside and she whimpered, flailing her arms and scowling up at Poe like the storm was his fault. 

"What're you looking at me for?" he complained, pulling her up by the hands so she could try standing on her own. She managed for a second, then she started to sway and he caught her again, laughing. "Your Papá can do a lot of things, kiddo, but he can't control the weather." He tilted his head and grinned, bouncing her up and down. "Can you say Papá?"

For a minute Shara just stared at him, then he repeated the question and her face broke out into a smile. "Pa!" she managed, pressing her hands to his stomach.

"Close enough." Poe smiled and scooped her up, laughing when she kept babbling. The light flickered again and Poe craned his neck to look out the living room window. It was really pouring out there, hail striking the window panes like artillery. He shuddered and smoothed out Shara's curls. God, he hated hail. Didn't exactly bring up the best memories. 

"Here's some advice for you, kiddo." he said absently. "If you ever want to run away, which I don't recommend, make sure to do it when it's sunny out. Or just don't run away. Makes everyone's life a lot simpler." He squeezed her tighter and closed his eyes, the nightmare that had woken him up raising goosebumps on his arms. Poe didn't know why he still dreamt about it. It had all been so long ago. But for some reason nights without Finn hit him pretty hard, took him straight back to the bad old days. 

"Papa!" Shara exclaimed suddenly. Poe shook his head and looked at her, eyes wide and hopeful. 

"You just..." She said it again and Poe laughed, scooping her up and peppering her face with kisses, grinning when she dissolved into a fit of giggles. "You did! Yeah, that's me, Shara. I'm your Papá. Exactly right. Damn, I wish your Dad could've heard that. You're growing up so fast, kiddo. I'm scared I'll blink and you'll be gone..." When he said that Poe's smile dimmed a bit, reminded all over again of everything that had happened. Then Shara burbled and grabbed his hand, looking up at him like she could tell something was wrong. Perceptive, this one.

"Don't make my mistakes, Shara." he said softly. "Promise you won't." Poe watched her explore his left hand with her satiny baby fingertips, grazing the unsightly scar on the back of his knuckles. There was quite a story behind that one, but it wasn't one he ever wanted Shara to hear. Hell, even Finn only knew the broad strokes of it. 

If you asked Finn why Poe had run away from home all those years ago, Finn would say that one rainy day something bad happened to Poe at school. He went off on his own and hid in the city for a bit, and then got caught two weeks later curled up in the Solo's garage. And that was it. Story over, the end, close the book and put it back on the shelf where you found it.

But the truth was that there was so much more to it than that.

 

 --------------

 

The rain wasn't letting up, dousing Paola as she ran through the grey streets, bumping into people and sprinting through intersections. She only slowed down when she got to her building, slumping in the foyer while she waited for the elevator. Then she gave up and pounded up the stairs two at a time, trying to keep up with the thoughts throbbing in her skull, outrun the nausea threatening to take hold at any given moment.

Paola, or was it Poe? Fuck, he didn't even know anymore, slammed the front door shut and ran down the hall, flinging her bag into the corner of her bedroom and wrestling with the window, trying to let some air into the stuffy room, not caring that it would let in the hail banging on the glass. He couldn't breathe, but whether it was because of the lack of air or what had just happened to him, Poe didn't know.

Paola was ditching school, but it's not like she could go back there, not knowing that Marcus Peterson was lying facedown on the floor of the girl's bathroom, nose and arm broken, pants shoved down to his knees. His blood was still glistening on Poe's (Paola's?) knuckles, just like his stale breath was still grazing her neck and his rough hands were still trying to force their way into her pants.

No, not her, _his_. Poe had tried resigning himself to being "her" for awhile, and look where that had gotten him. He stopped struggling with the window and took a deep breath, trying to control his shaking hands.

Poe. That was his name. He couldn't hide it anymore, even if he wanted to.

For awhile Poe just paced his bedroom floor, trying and failing to slow down his heartbeat. The apartment was too warm, Poe's skin slick with sweat underneath his top. He took off his shirt and bra, tossing them to the side and turning to the full length mirror beside the closet. For awhile he just stood there, considering his reflection with a scowl on his face. 

It didn't make any sense. Ben had started to tag along with him to the gym when Poe hit tenth grade, but seeing Poe shirtless two years later, you'd think he'd never lifted a weight in his life. He had the exact same workout as Ben too, none of that girl-pushup bullshit. But for some fucking reason at fifteen Ben got to have abs, and here Poe was with Marilyn Monroe's curves and a pinch of fat around his waist. He poked at his tits and scowled. He felt like a fucking cow, lugging these around. 

Poe noticed that there was a purple bruise on his hip from when Marcus had first unceremoniously shoved him up against the sink. He'd slipped into the bathroom without Poe noticing, locking the door behind him and jamming the trashcan under the knob. They'd broken up a month ago, but apparently he wasn't quite done fucking up Poe's life.

_Hiya, Paola. You got a minute?_ Without waiting for an answer Marcus had grabbed Poe by the hair and yanked him closer, ramming him against the counter and pinning him there. They were so close that Poe could smell the vodka Marcus had drunk, see the entitlement in his clouded eyes. Poe tried to speak but his vocal cords failed him, the reality of what was happening not really registering quite yet. 

_I know why you dumped me, freak. At first I just thought you were a dyke. But this is even better._  Poe had grabbed Marcus' arm, but that hadn't stopped him from being forced over the sink, Marcus undoing his pants with one hand and keeping the other held over Poe's mouth so he couldn't scream.

_This'll make you feel like a girl._ Marcus' breath had been hot in Poe's ear, sharp and sour. Poe squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, blood rushing in his skull and throbbing in his neck. Right now the memory made him tremble, but at the time he'd been frozen stiff, the hateful voice centimetres from his ear.

  _C'mon, Paola, I'm doing you a favour._ _You should be enjoying this. It's not like any other guy's ever gonna want you. Not when they find out._ His voice had been a snarl, his nails like claws as they dug into the waistband of Poe's jeans. But even then Poe felt a little part of him agreeing with what had just been said. Marcus must have felt Poe go limp, because he huffed out a mocking laugh and pressed himself closer.

_That's it, freak. Lemme take what I want, and I won't tell anybody. I might even take you back, so long's I get to do this whenever I want. I'll keep your secret, don't worry._  He bit down on Poe's neck, one hand forcing itself between Poe's bare legs.  _There we go. G_ _ood girl, Paola._

That's when Poe somehow snapped out of his paralysis. He jerked his neck and bit down on Marcus' hand, hard enough to draw blood. When Marcus stumbled back Poe grabbed his elbow and forced him to his knees, twisting until he heard a sickening snap and a guttural yell. Wait, had he broken Marcus' arm?

A second passed of Poe just watching Marcus fall forwards, gasping and choking as his hand lolled uselessly against his side. For years Kes and Han had drilled Poe on this self defence stuff, but he had never pictured himself using it. Then again, he'd never pictured himself getting raped, either. 

Marcus started to get up but Poe got there first, kneeing him in the chin and straddling his chest when he fell back on the tiles with a thud. Poe was acting on instinct at this point, landing punch after punch on Marcus' jaw and nose until the fucker was sobbing, blood and tears and snot all mixed up on his ruined face. This was getting gratuitous, but Poe couldn't stop, didn't stop until he heard someone banging on the door, demanding they open up. It sounded like the principal. They must have heard Marcus screaming. 

Poe blinked and rolled off of Marcus, stumbling backwards as the door shook on its frame and the voice got more demanding. Wait, yelling was all it took to get their attention? Why hadn't Poe thought of that earlier? Why hadn't he done what he was supposed to do? The bruises on his hand stung and bile was rising in his throat. What had he done?

Oh, God. They'd blame him. They'd find out about him. Poe's blood ran cold and he backed against the wall, hurriedly putting his clothes back together and scooping up his bag as he slid open the window and hopped out, hitting the ground running. He had to leave. He had to run. He had to...  

Poe opened his eyes and swallowed, feeling woozy as he blinked his bedroom back into focus. For some reason his hand was throbbing, and when he looked up he found out why. The mirror hanging on his bedroom wall was shattered, bits of glass scattered across the floor and buried in his knuckles. He must've thrown a punch without meaning to. Poe winced, tentatively straightening out his fingers and cussing when that just forced the shards in deeper. Well, that was fucking fantastic.

He stumbled into the bathroom and grabbed a pair of tweezers, dousing them in rubbing alcohol before setting to work on his hand. He jerked and growled, the clear liquid burning like flames on the mangled skin. Yeah, that would definitely scar.

When Poe had done all he could about that he kicked off his pants and stepped into the shower, fiddling with the knob until the water was ice cold. The shock of it left him shivering and sputtering, but he had to wash away Marcus' fingerprints, had to destroy any trace of that bastard's touch. When he felt a bit less filthy Poe took a deep breath and rested his forehead against the tile, his hair hanging loose around his trembling shoulders.

 What could he do now? Marcus would tell everyone about this, make sure they all knew just what a fucked up mess Paola Dameron was. The whole attempted rape thing would be swept under the carpet if it was mentioned at all, because Marcus would make sure that the highlight of this story was that his ex-girlfriend was an out of control tranny freak. Dammit. Poe should've knocked out his teeth for good measure. 

Poe's hands clenched back into fists and he took a deep breath, tallying up his options. Who would take his side if he stuck around? Ben, sure, but he wasn't about to do that to the poor kid. Beyond that, there wasn't really anyone else he could rely on.

Don't get him wrong, Poe knew that he wasn't technically on his own. His Dad, Han, Leia, there was a whole list of people who would be devastated if he left. But they weren't looking out for Poe, not really. No, Kes loved his daughter, Han and Leia cared about their niece. It was Paola that was important to them, Paola who would hurt them if she left. 

So the question was, who wanted _Poe_ to stay? When no one came to mind he closed his eyes and sighed. Fine. Nobody wanted him, so the obvious thing to do was make himself disappear. 

Of course Poe had thought of running away before. There probably wasn't a kid like him out there who hadn't at least considered it. Well, good thing he'd spent a substantial chunk of his spare time planning for this. Poe got out of the shower, grabbing a pair of scissors and an Ace bandage out of the cupboard. Well, here goes nothing.

 

\-------------

 

His chest throbbed and he took a break from running, leaning against a building while he blinked spots out of his eyes. Christ, he'd only been at this for a couple hours. Was binding supposed to hurt this badly? Probably not. But it wasn't like there was anyone who could show him how to do it properly. All things considered Poe should maybe unwrap himself for now. He hated having tits, sure, but being able to breathe would be a real advantage considering the fact that he was on the run. 

He slipped into a McDonalds restroom and undid the bandages, wincing when he poked at the bruises on his ribs. Okay, so binding wasn't exactly working out for him. Thank God it was winter and he could convincingly pile on the layers. After a couple deep breaths Poe balled up the bandages and stuffed them into his backpack. Wouldn't be doing that again any time soon.

Even after he was dressed Poe stayed at the sinks for awhile, scrutinizing himself in the mirror, wondering how well this would go. He could pass, right? After all he had a pretty prominent nose, a somewhat sinewy neck, and decently thick eyebrows if he scowled enough. It didn't take much to make his voice a little bit gravelly, either. Add that to the short hair and he was golden, at least at a glance. And if anyone asked he was just a guy with a bad case of baby-face.

One of the stall doors banged open and Poe jumped, head whipping around as an old lady hobbled over to sink beside him. Before she could ask questions about why Poe looked like he'd seen a ghost he darted out of the bathroom and dropped down on the edge of a booth in the back, feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest.

Why couldn't he calm down? Marcus couldn't get to him, and even if he could've, his arm was probably in a cast. But his hands were still tangled in Poe's hair, still trying to force his legs apart. Poe gulped, squeezing his arms around his stomach. No one would ever touch him like that again. He wouldn't let anyone get close enough.

With a new sense of resolve Poe shouldered his bag and pulled his baseball cap lower on his head, ducking out into the street with his heart beating only a little faster than normal. He could do this. He could totally do this.

 

\-------------

 

One thing that Poe learnt over the next few days was that New York was an easy place to disappear into. If Poe spotted someone he knew he just ducked into a store or let himself be swept off into the crowd. The anonymity was a blessing, but it kinda made him feel like shit when a group of his friends walked right past him. Well, at least now he knew that he was convincing.

After an uncomfortable, wet night spent curled up under a bridge in Central Park, Poe discovered that some churches opened their doors after dark, giving the people who were down on their luck a place to stay. He took them up on that offer pretty quickly. But it was hard to fall asleep sometimes, being stared at by statues of saints and martyrs. They all seemed to be looking at Poe like they knew he didn't belong. 

A week into this whole vagrant venture Poe plopped himself down at a bus stop with his good hand wrapped around a cup of gas station hot chocolate. It was probably a problem that he could now confidently say that his left hand was his bad hand, but it was an issue that Poe would deal with on a later date.

While he let the steam from the cup heat his face Poe glanced at the guy and girl waiting at the crosswalk across from him, french kissing and groping each other like they owned the place. Nobody batted an eye at that, but God forbid if two guys were to walk by holding hands. If Poe somehow got ahold of some testosterone and a boyfriend the whole PDA thing would be the one thing he'd miss.

Sure, he'd dated guys before, but he'd always been their girlfriend, expected to giggle and cling and give kisses that tasted like strawberry chapstick, which he did, if reluctantly. Half the time he felt as though he was playing a part in some shitty high school movie. Yeah, those relationships hadn't panned out.

It wasn't even that all of those guys were assholes. A couple of them had been real sweethearts. It was just the wrongness of it all, the sense that the person they were into was nothing but a veil covering up someone else. And on the few occasions that Poe had dared peek out from underneath the disguise, the responses hadn't exactly been positive. Case and point: Marcus-fucking-Peterson.

A couple days ago Poe figured out how Marcus had found out about him. One night he must've been digging around in Poe's closet for a sweater he wanted back and come across a box shoved in the back corner. Inside there were a pair of men's jeans that just fit, a plaid button up, battered converse shoes that had been Poe's dad's, and a list of things you could use to bind. Marcus was stupid as anything, but he must've managed to put two and two together. 

Say what you will about Marcus, but the bastard was right about one thing. Nobody wanted Poe. Nobody ever would. 

And to that, Poe said _fuck it_. He didn't need anybody. After all, he had decided awhile ago that he could take care of himself.

Only sometimes, and increasingly rarely, Poe let himself wonder if that was true, or if maybe there was somebody out there for him. Some nights when he couldn't sleep he'd just lie in bed with his eyes wide open, listening to the traffic and watching the city lights flicker outside of his window. Those nights Poe would pretend that there was somebody sleeping beside him, somebody who looked him straight in the eye when he spoke, who wouldn't cringe when Poe touched him. Somebody who wouldn't run away.

Then the bus pulled up and Poe shouldered his bag with a derisive snort. He had a snowball's chance in hell, finding a person like that. Maybe he should just get a dog.

 

\--------------

 

"Shouldn't you be in school right now, young man?" The woman at the counter asked while she rang him up. Poe jumped and turned to her, trying his best not to look at the missing child poster on the board behind her. They'd used the grad photo they'd taken of him a couple weeks ago, the one where his face was caked with makeup and his hair was in a ridiculous up-do. His friends had gushed over the picture, but Poe thought he looked like a drag queen.

"Free block." he explained, a little too quickly. The woman just rolled her eyes and gave him a knowing smile. 

"That's my son's excuse, too." She laughed and Poe grinned back, praying that she wouldn't turn around and see the poster. "Boys will be boys, I suppose. Enjoy your free block."

"Will do. Thanks." He grabbed his hot chocolate and rushed out of the shop before she could recognise him. Poe had left his rain jacket in his rented locker, trusting that a couple t-shirts and a flannel pushed his chest down convincingly enough. It was actually sunny outside today, which was a pleasant surprise after two weeks of rain and hail. When he was a ways off a little spark of triumph warmed his chest. He'd done it. He'd passed. He'd do a fucking jig if he wasn't trying to keep a low profile.

The triumph didn't last long. While he was waiting for the light to change Poe looked down at his hand and his stomach lurched. The bandage had slipped, and the visible skin was a concerning shade of greenish-yellow. It hadn't been that bad yesterday, had it? Poe poked under the bandage, shuddering when he felt the boggy texture of his skin. Festering was not a term one generally wanted to associate with a body part, but his hand, well, his hand was festering.

So what should he do now? If he let it be, God knows what would happen. If he went to the hospital, they'd bring him back home. So which was worse, gangrene, or facing his dad?

While Poe was working his way through that conundrum something caught his eye, a small blur darting recklessly out into the street just as the light turned green and a semi turned the corner.

"Hey!" Poe shot his hand out and grabbed the kid by the arm, yanking him back at the same time the truck hurtled passed. Where'd the kid come from? Poe looked down and the kid blinked back with round coffee-bean eyes, beads of sweat pearling on his dark skin. His shirt was rumpled in Poe's grip and his lower lip trembled a bit as what had just happened dawned on him, but aside from that he looked alright.

"I..." Poe let go of his arm and the kid slumped, tugging nervously at his close-cropped curls and shuffling his feet. "Thanks." 

"No worries, buddy. Hey, what're you doing out here by yourself?" Poe asked, softening his voice. He knew this area, and to put it simply, the place was pretty damn shady. "You lost or something? It's not safe to be on your own."

"I was running away." the kid said simply, letting Poe lead him down the street. When Poe decided they were on a respectable block he took a deep breath and finally relaxed. Yeah, this right here was why he was never gonna have children. Well, there were other reasons, but the constant heart attack was a pretty hard hitter.

"Running away? Buddy, your parents are gonna be worried sick..." Poe chided. Was he being a hypocrite? Yes. Did he care? No. 

"I don't have a mom and dad." the kid said quietly. "I'm a ward. That's what Emily my social worker said. She's the one who finds people to take care of me. I don't have a house like the other kids've got. They make fun of me for it." he mumbled, so hunched that his chin was almost touching his chest. Poe sighed and crouched in front of the kid, smiling when he managed to catch his eye.

"That sucks, buddy, it really does." Poe agreed. "But running away's a bad idea, trust me. And hey, think of it this way. If you go to school you can get a job, and if you get a job you get paid lots of money, and then you can use the money to buy your own house. Make sense?"

The kid hesitated before nodding, looking at Poe with a hopeful smile on his face. "Can I have pets if I buy my own house?" 

"Buy a zoo if you like." Poe laughed. "But you gotta go to school, alright? That's the one condition."

"Okay. But I don't know how to get back there." the kid admitted.

"What school d'you go to?"

"Courtlandt. But only for another week 'cause the family that was taking care of me is gonna move to Cleveland."

"I'm sure Emily can find you another one. Don't worry, I know where your school is. If we hurry we can get you back there before lunch is over."

Just as Poe had promised, a minute to one o'clock they were walking beside the chainlink fence running around the elementary school, listening to the students shrieking and laughing on the playground. When they got to the gate the kid said a quick thank-you and ran back into the building just as the bell started to ring, the hot chocolate Poe had bought him clutched protectively to his chest. 

Poe watched the kid melt into the swarm of third graders, and only too late did he realise that he hadn't thought to ask what the kid's name was. How had that never occurred to him? Oh, well. It's not like they'd ever meet each other again anyways. Poe leant against the fence and sighed, playing back the things he had said to the little guy.

It was all true, now that he thought about it. Running away wouldn't fix anything. Maybe he should go back home. After all, what's the worst that could happen? Poe took a long look at the school and turned away, shoving his hands into his pockets as the sky opened up above him with the first few drops of rain.

 

\-------------

 

"Poe, they've been looking for you everywhere..." Ben hissed as Poe clambered in through the window. "What happened to your hair?" 

Poe waved off the question and heaved his bag onto the floor, jumping a bit when lightning flashed outside. Turns out he couldn't quite bring himself to go straight home, so he'd done the next best thing and wound up knocking on Ben's window at one in the morning. The guy was angry and volatile, but trustworthy. Most of the time.

But the funny thing about Ben was that ever since he was little he called Paola "Poe", no matter how many times people tried to correct him. And when Poe had confirmed his suspicions a year ago Ben had just grunted as though that was the most obvious thing in the world and gone back to his comic book. Maybe not the warmest reception, but Poe wasn't about to complain.

"They're not gonna find me if the picture they're going off of looks like a different person." Poe explained, shaking the rainwater out of his hair. He straightened up and sighed. Ben was two years younger, but he was already a head taller than Poe. That was just great. "Can I use your shower?"

"Sure. Mom and Dad aren't home, so you should be fine." Ben shook his head and ran his fingers through his floppy black hair. "Still can't believe you're here. What the fuck is happening..." he groaned, flopping dramatically onto the bed.

"Really? You're confused?" Poe asked as he crept out into the hall and past the other bedroom door. Good thing Rey wasn't a light sleeper. That would've screwed everything up.

When Poe got back Ben was sitting in bed with a first aid kit and a box of Pop-Tarts in his lap. He tossed one to Poe, who tore open the package with his teeth and sat down on the edge of Ben's desk. 

"So what've I missed?" he asked as casually as possible. Ben took a deep breath, obviously gearing up for a long story.

"Well, first an ambulance came to get Marcus. That was pretty intense. Did you know you broke his jaw? And his nose. And his arm and maybe his ribs but I'm not sure whether or not that's true. Anyways, Marcus told everyone what had happened when he got out of hospital. He said you're completely nuts. Said you thought you were a guy and you dragged him into the bathroom and beat the shit out of him for no reason and-"

"Alright, alright, I get the idea. Who believes him?" Ben didn't say anything and Poe sighed. "Well, that's just great. Did they press charges?"

"I don't think so. His parents want to keep it hushed up." 

"Yeah, can't have the world knowing that a jock got his ass handed to him by a chick. Hey, throw me that bottle, would you?" Poe flexed his left hand and winced. "Had a bit of an accident."

Ben tossed the rubbing alcohol to Poe, along with some gauze and a couple cloths. Poe unraveled the bandages, wrinkling his nose and trying not to gag when he saw the mangled mess his hand had become. Why were there spots on it? After considering it for a second he balled up one of the cloths and stuck it in his mouth, dousing the other in alcohol and pressing it to his knuckles, hoping that the quicker he did it the less it would hurt. Apparently not. Poe cussed around the fabric, light pulsing behind his eyes and searing in the back of his skull. It was like he'd just dunked his hand into a deep fryer. In a word: unpleasant.

When Poe could see again he dabbed at the wound some more, cleaning it up as best he could while Ben watched, obviously holding down some puke.

"You should get that checked." Ben said weakly, watching Poe clumsily bandage himself up again. "What really happened, Poe? With Marcus, I mean."

"Tried to fuck me over the bathroom sink, the bastard." Poe said bitterly, tossing the bloody gauze into the trash can. Christ, he could still feel those hands on him. He'd taken at least eighteen showers in the past two weeks, really taking advantage of his gym membership. So what gives? Thunder rolled outside and Poe looked hopefully at Ben. "Hey, can I stay here for the night? I can sleep in the garage or something."

"If Dad finds out..."

"I'll say I snuck in on my own. Like hell I'm dragging you down with me." Ben nodded and pulled a sleeping bag out from under his bed, tossing it to Poe along with a couple extra Pop-Tarts. "Thanks, buddy." 

"Are you ever going home, Poe?" Ben asked suddenly. Poe sighed and rubbed his face, trying to ignore how badly his hand hurt. He was too tired for this. 

"We'll figure that out later, alright?" He tried for a grin and punched Ben's shoulder, backing out into the hall. "You should go to bed. You've got school tomorrow."

Ben nodded reluctantly, mumbling a good night before kicking the door shut. Poe caught the handle before the door could slam and eased it closed, carefully making his way down the hall and tip-toeing down the stairs.

When he was all set up on the concrete floor Poe curled up in his sleeping bag and sighed, staring at the safety light flickering outside and shivering with the cold wind that blew in under the garage door. This wasn't shaping up to be the best sleepover he'd ever had at the Solo's place, if he was being completely honest. He sighed and rolled over, trying to avoid the water leaking in through the ceiling. It was kinda funny, but lying here, in the same house where he was supposed to spend Christmas in a few weeks, Poe had never felt more alone in his life.

 

\-------------

 

Poe opened his eyes a couple hours later, blinking in what he assumed was sunlight. Was it morning already? Yawning, he rolled over, figuring he'd better skedaddle soon if he didn't want to be caught. But as he looked around the room he froze, holding back an expletive for the sake of the young ears present. 

Rey was standing in the doorway with her hand on the light switch, a wrench clutched to her chest and her wide eyes locked on Poe, watching him like he was a wild animal. Now this was just cruel. All that hard work to make himself disappear, and a five year old was what would do him in. Great.

For a second they were at a standstill, both thinking that if they didn't move, the other wouldn't see them. Then Poe opened his mouth and Rey bolted, running up the stairs on all fours and yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Mom! Dad! You gotta come to the garage! It's important!"

Poe just groaned and curled up in defeat, listening to the commotion upstairs. Han and Leia must've come back early. He pictured them in the foyer, stumbling as Rey darted erratically around their knees, tugging and yanking at their hands and clothes.

"Wait, missy, slow down..."

"No, Dad, you gotta listen! There's a guy in the garage! And he took my Pop Tarts!"

"What!?"

As footsteps thundered down the stairs Poe just squeezed himself into a tighter ball and held is breath, not even moving when the door was thrown open and Han yelled something vulgar. Yeah, something told Poe that this would be a very long day.

 

\--------------

 

"Where were you?" Kes demanded. Poe looked away from him and shrugged, fiddling with the bandages on his hand. "Answer me, Paola."

The last little while had looked a bit like something out of a crime movie, with Kes and Han both playing the part of good-cop-slowly-tipping-into-bad-cop. The whole time Poe stayed impassive, staring at the hail piling up and melting on the windowsill. It looked like snow, but then you stuck your tongue out for a taste and wound up with a piercing you never asked for. Yeah, hail could go fuck itself.

Han had taken a break from the cross-examination and was leaning against the kitchen counter, staring at a crack in the wall. He'd dragged Poe back home without a word, not even bothering with the car, pulling him by the hand while being pelted by rain and hail. "Your Dad's been tearing his hair out over you, kid. The hell were you thinking?" he'd demanded. Poe hadn't said anything, actually hadn't opened his mouth in what felt like ages. His lips seemed to be glued together, now that he thought about it.

While he tried to unstick them Poe snuck a glance at Kes, who was sitting across from him at the kitchen table, knuckles white on his mug. Gently put, he looked awful. His cheeks were gaunt under his patchy stubble and there was a permanent crease forming between his eyebrows. Poe hadn't seen that crease since Mom's funeral. Kes caught Poe staring and the line deepened a bit.

He only knew the skewed version of the events, the one where a crazy teenage girl dragged her ex into the bathroom and gave him the beating of his life before fleeing the crime scene like a guilty person. It went without saying that Poe wasn't exactly in his dad's good favours, right now.

"I just don't understand why you'd do something like that." Kes said hoarsely. "Why, Paola? Why in God's name would you-" 

"Stop it, Kes." The three of them looked up, hearing the warning in Leia's voice. She was standing in the doorway, arms crossed across her chest and rain dripping down her face. She must have taken the car after talking to Ben. Poe had seen her corner her son in the kitchen as Han was dragging him off. Poor guy hadn't left the scene fast enough.

"Leia..." Kes started to protest, but Leia gave him a look and he sighed, rubbing his forehead and shaking his head. "Fine. Fine."

"I'm sorry, Kes, but this is important. I have to borrow Paola for a minute." Leia squeezed Poe's shoulder and he got to his feet, obediently following her down the hall. He could feel his Dad's eyes on his back, heavy and full of questions. Leia led Poe into his bedroom and shut the door, turning on the lamp and settling down on the edge of the bed. She waited patiently for him to join her, which he did, after awhile.

"Paola." Leia took his hand, smoothing her thumb over his bandages. "It wasn't your fault, what happened."

"Ben told you." Poe mumbled. Leia nodded and Poe chewed on his bottom lip. "And?"

"The school knows what that boy did. We're here for you, sweetheart. Whatever you need, we'll do it." Oh, so that's all she knew. Okay. Poe could live with that, play this off, pretend that that was the only reason he'd run off. But before Poe knew it he was shaking his head. Wait, what was he doing? "It's not that?" 

"No, it..." Poe should tell her to forget it, keep his secret safe for another day. But that would just mean another day spent safe in hell, wouldn't it? "Well, there is that, yeah, but something else..." Poe took a deep breath and held it for a second. God, he couldn't believe he was doing this. "There's something wrong with me. Something weird and hard to explain and I tried to ignore it but I couldn't and I can't stop thinking about it and I don't understand why-" Poe's voice cut off and he growled, trying to force the words out around the lump in his throat.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Take your time." Leia said calmly. But Poe shook his head and buried his face in a pillow. He didn't need time. He'd spent too much time on this already. Thinking that time would fix it, that he could just wait this out, that had been the biggest mistake of his life. This had to be quick, Poe realised, like ripping off a Band-Aid. You take a deep breath, steel your nerves, and then three, two, one...

"I don't think I'm a girl." 

 

\-------------

 

The door clicked behind Leia and Poe flopped back onto the bed, feeling completely drained. He'd explained what was going on as best he could, which wasn't very well, now that he was looking back on it. But Leia had nodded as though she understood, and now she was in the front room, relaying the message to Kes. Honestly Poe wasn't sure what to expect. He was waiting for a gasp, a yell, a crash. Something, anything to let him know what was to come.

Nothing. Dead silence for what felt like hours.

The whole time Poe lay curled up on the sheets, picking at his properly bandaged hand and watching the sun sinking down into the city's skyline. He felt strangely numb. His head should be buzzing, Poe knew that, but he couldn't seem to muster up the energy to feel, let alone think.

Eventually the tedium was lifted when Kes knocked on the door and poked his head into Poe's bedroom, looking relieved when he saw that Poe was still there. 

"I brought pizza." he offered. When Poe didn't say anything Kes just puffed out his cheeks and set the plate on the bedside table, sitting down beside Poe with a sigh. For awhile neither of them spoke, Poe counting the threads fraying on the pink bedspread his Abuelo had gotten for him, Kes opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. He should say something, he knew that. The question was if anything he had to say would make his kid feel any better.

"I guess we could get you some new curtains." he proposed after awhile, looking thoughtfully around the room. "Paint the walls a different colour too, if you wanted." He turned to Poe and smiled hopefully, but it flickered a bit when Poe refused to meet his eyes. "Then we'll see if we can't find a doctor or something who can help you out. That sound good?" 

Finally Poe nodded and Kes wrapped an arm around him, taking a deep breath when Poe buried his face in his shirt. "Hey, it'll be okay..." For a second Kes hesitated, then he gave Poe's shoulder a squeeze and nodded into his hair. "It's going to be okay, Poe." 

Strangely enough, after everything else that had happened, that's the moment that made Poe cry.

**Author's Note:**

> You can thank beautifullights for this idea. Man, this went in all sorts of directions


End file.
